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[Shards of a young adult]

06
Feb 2018

Shards of a young adult

As a young boy growing up in a very conservative, very baptist family, I was very aware of the stance my dad and brother had towards homosexuality, I knew from birth that God hated homosexuality, that it was an abomination, that it was punishable by death, these feelings were only supported by the gag-reflexes of my father and brother at any gay mention or individual they found in public. Yet among all the homophobic commotion brought up in my family, grew a young boy who shared their hatred, there was no way the oldest of both sons, the one destined to be an architect, with straight A’s, could be gay, right?

I got a job working in a health store at the age of 18, by that time, the feelings i was feeling only continued to grow. It was not much to think about when i was younger, but as my hormones grew in tension so did my attraction; an attraction i didn’t share with my younger brother, an attraction for other men. Confused, frustrated, and all alone, I found myself curled up in a ball in the corner of the health store where i worked, crying and praying that God would heal me, that i could be normal. I didn’t know what to do, the girlfriends I swooned never lasted more than a week with me, women just didn’t excite me. I sought outside help, a school mate I knew from high school. I didn’t know he was gay, but one day surfing through the dating sites i used, i came across his picture on the men seeking men category where I instantly recognized him. Communicating with him came to a surprise to both of us as he was also surprised that I am gay. I was desperate for help and I hoped that my classmate could help me figure out these feelings i wanted to get rid of so much. It was the last straw for me, I tried everything. I tried going to the gym, took testosterone boosting supplements, dated women, surrounded myself with very masculine guys, all in an attempt to drown out my feelings, to smother them out before It was too late. Unfortunately to my dismay, they never did, they persisted, and they got MUCH worse! I started having feelings for my best friend, my schoolmate argued with me every single day to come out to my parents. He was the child who had no issues coming out to his parents, in fact they told him they knew and they loved him; i on the other hand, knew without a reasonable doubt, that my dad would all but stone me to death in his living room.

Come one early morning, the week of picking classes for college, I’m sitting on the couch talking with my dad about my future and the path he helped lay out for me, when his phone rings. My dad owns his own business, so it was not uncommon for him to receive calls during all times of the day, not to mention I was used to conversations being interrupted by his business calls. This call however, was different, my dad remained silent, and his onlooking glare turned from interested, to a complete disgust and hatred I’ve never seen him make, in which he turned to me to ask. There is a guy on the phone, he says he is in front of our house waiting for you and is threatening to call the police on me, he said you are gay and he is waiting to take you away. The only guy I knew whom i put my trust in to help me, had looked up my fathers number and just outed me, my life had just ended that moment. The heart of an innocent young adult who never got into trouble, who did his best all his life, his life was now over, left bare to the wrath of his father. I did the only thing I knew, I submitted, I told my schoolmate that it was over, and to never call me again. My father among his slinging insults and slander to my fragile emotions, had taken a metaphorical hammer and bashed my heart into a thousand pieces. I was brought to therapy, held susceptible to my feelings by rules of engagement. I was not allowed to partake in certain activities, for fear of sprouting further corruption in my life. I was to be cured, by a strange man I’ve never met in my entire life, a man who beat into my head the errors of my way. He confused me more and what’s more, infused a fear in me that i still have issues with to this very day.

One year later I managed to convince my dad to stop my therapy, that my feelings were gone. However three months later my brother discovered a secret in the form of a boyfriend, but the ensuing altercation went differently. i managed to call my best friend and put my phone in my pocket, he listened to the whole commotion from the other line, the slander, the hate, the yelling and wall banging of my father. “You are not my son, you are a demon, possessed. My son is dead. You are disgusting, how can you like ass, get out, and give me your car keys! You can only take what you can hold, but i want you gone,” My dad was gone, my feelings were shattered, my mom was hysterical, she begged me to stay, begged me not to leave her alone with him and my brother. I needed out, It was over for me, my sanity was at its lowest. Meanwhile my best friend was waiting to pick me up in front of the house where he was currently in an altercation with my younger brother. I got in my friends car and we drove to his place so i can get back on my feet with time.

Since that experience, I’ve had no help adjusting to my feelings, I’ve been watching videos on YouTube to feel better about my choice to leave, they hardly helped. One day I opted to overdose and take my life but failed, I was caught mid act and forced to stop by my coworker. Since then, I have been working to get into my own place, i am still at odds with my dad and brother, a situation that i fear will never change as long as i live.


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