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[coming out]

13
Jun 2018

coming out

So I randomly decided to share my still not complete coming out story. When I was about 11 years old I was sitting next to a beautiful girl in french class. I live in Germany so if you don’t know that we have a few classes. I was in class 6e and that girl was in class 6b. At this point of time french and religion (or philosophy if you’re not catholic or evangelic) were the only combined classes at my school. Still some of us had friends in the other classes and I really wanted to become as close as possible with her. I started to get some kinds of romantic feelings for her and I was kind of scared. I didn’t really know if that was possible to feel something like this for a girl or if it is ok to feel like this. I did some research and thought “well, since I like boys too I must be bisexual”. I was bullied really hard at this school and didn’t really talk to anybody there so I didn’t even feel like telling anybody about that. I was in camps really often and there it was no secret that I was bisexual. Because of the bullying I changed school after the first semester of 7th grade. When I changed school and started to feel comfortable at my new school I didn’t keep my bisexuality a secret anymore. I never told anybody who I was in love with. In 9th grade I started to become really proud of my sexuality. I thought I was in love with my best friend back then (a boy). It didn’t really work out, but I met a boy because of him. One of his best friends who I was swimming with a few years before that. He changed a lot but in a good way. He had a crush on me back then and I didn’t but when we started talking again he told me one day that he had a crush on me “again”. I told him that I need to think because I wasn’t in love with him or anything. Everyday when we video-chatted he asked me if I already thought about all of this. I got tired and told him that we should start a relationship. It worked out but I still had no real feelings for him. He knew about my bisexuality and all he said about this was “well almost every girl is bisexual”. I didn’t really care about all of this. After a trip with his mom he told me really disgusted that he saw some lebians kissing on the street. We started arguing. I thought out that he was homophobic and since that time I just thought about how to break up with him. He started to make rude comments about my sexuality. After another fight I broke up with him because I couldn’t take it anymore. During our relationship I met my now best friend. When I told him about my boyfriend being homophobic he told me to break up with him. Many may think now “well he had a crush on you” but no. We’re still best friend and he has a girlfriend who knows about how close we are and about the fact that I’m a lesbian. A month after we broke up I was at the mall with my friend. I met my best friend with two girls there. I barely talked to him. Just said hi and went back to my table. Well to be honest I thought he was there if a girl and a boy. Later we were talking and I said something like “well the boy…” he told me “those were two girls, lesbians, a couple”. I didn’t say anything about this, but I couldn’t stop thinking about them. Two 15 year old girls and they were so open about there relationship. I know that’s not a big thing, but for the first time I thought something like “I want to be like them”. I found them on social media (no I’m not a stalker my best friend just posted a picture with one of them) A few weeks later I told him that I think that I may be a lesbian. The more I thought about this the more sure I became that I really was. I found out more about the community and was really proud to be part of this. I figured that I was never really in love with a boy. He basically said ” I knew it all the time”. I was really happy. I told 3 other friends about this and they accepted it so much. I told more and more people. Put it in my insta bio. Some people I only told that I like girls more than boys and that I’m not sure if I’m really a lesbian. One time when I was drunk I yelled that I was gay. All the people at the party heard that and accepted it. I was so happy. I was proud of a community that was just so amazing (I know that bisexual people are also part of the community but back then I didn’t really know anything about it). On a trip to China with my school my sexuality was no secret anymore and some of my friends asked me a ton of questions about it. They asked me if they could make jokes or comments about it and I said yes. There are still people that don’t know about it. My neighbor who used to be my closest friends doesn’t know YET. She would accept it but she would make comments about it which would be really mean at the beginning. I’m just not ready for it. My parents? Same thing for them. They would accept it but I don’t like the comments they make about gay people. The rest of my family is another story. I’m polish so they are really conservative and not really educated about it. Some of them are just homophobic. Like my grandma. I don’t hate her for this. She just doesn’t know about it. So most of the people know about it and all of them accept it. I never made any bad experience with that and I’ really glad about it.

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