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[Rural Indiana, 18 years ago.]

Rural Indiana, 18 years ago.

Growing up I suspected I was different when I was very young. I can remember vividly my dad mad over something trivial and screaming in my face til it was covered with his saliva and threatened me with death and to be buried in the back yard at age 7 after he had busted my nose. Later he continually pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do. I was continually attacked by him on a regular basis and it seemed to happen more so after hearing a commotion downstairs and when I went to check he had my mother in the bathtub smacking her head off of it. They separated for a short time and then got back together. He never hit her again but it seemed all his rage was then passed to me. Setting on the floor watching Saturday mourning cartoons in my underwear he came home upset again. Not a word was said. I have two other siblings. Each only a year apart. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me from the ground feet dangling while he shook me by the hair screaming that I needed to clean the house. These are just examples. Later in life since I couldn’t do arts, musicals etc. (Got beat over a grease musical in which I got a lead role in.) Because it wasn’t manly or interfered with football which I was forced to play all through my school years. I started experimenting with alcohol and other things. And then had a break down at 17. I had gotten in trouble while running around with two other outcasts who happened to be girls. We had taken golf carts from the local golf club and played bumper cars late at night. During this time I had an epiphany. There was nothing I could do to change the fact I was gay. I cried, prayed, my face went paralyzed temporarily on one side (bells Palsy) stress induced. I later confided in a friend. And it felt so good. I however made a mistake and told a girl who had a tendency to tell everything ever told to her. The next day the whole school knew. This school was your typical small town football school with no mixed culture. We had one black girl who was raised by white parents and she was harassed and called racist slurs. Next thing I know I’m plunged head first into a battle field. That first day of getting outed I fought. I beat the kid badly after class. He said before the altercation he was going to “catch me on a backroad and slit my throat”. Things like that continued for a good while and now life is slowing down. I’m just ready for comfort.


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